2024 WMWIFF │ Interview with Angeline GRAGASIN, Director of Myself When I Am Real

Q: What inspired you to make this film? 


This short film started as a feature film I first wrote when I was in graduate school getting my MFA [Master of Fine Arts degree] in Screenwriting. I wrote three feature films while I was in school, and this was my thesis film. 

I was inspired to write a film set in my hometown in Racine, Wisconsin, where I grew up with my Filipino immigrant single mother. This was always a story about a mother and daughter that was somewhat based on my own experience. But it's not 100% my childhood. A lot of it is reenacted, yes—but a lot of it is also fictionalized.

I was interested in depicting something very culturally specific, because Filipino immigrant society in the Midwestern United States is quite different from other Philippine diaspora communities elsewhere, and even more so than native Filipino communities in the Philippines.

I wanted to show the nuances of this society, especially the socio-economic class dynamics between Mercedes, the host of the party—who is obviously very wealthy, along with all of her friends—and Annette, the protagonist, who is a first-time guest. She's a housekeeper. She's not wealthy, and you see how awkward and uncomfortable it is for her to fit in, to assimilate. And yet these characters share an ancestry and cultural heritage, and so they're still trying to find friendship—despite that socio-economic gap—and I think that's very common in Filipino diaspora society too. This was something I was very aware of as a child: the class dynamics. So that also inspired this film.

At first, my research was mostly my own memories and personal experience. But then, when I cast the actors—most of whom are either native Filipinos, Filipino immigrants, or second generation Filipinos—we had many workshops and rehearsals in which we discussed our experiences growing up as Filipino. How they were similar, how they were different, sharing perspectives. I found inspiration in their stories, too. So collaboration with actors was also a huge part of the research process: inviting their input, their instincts, their memories, and integrating that into the script. The actors were ultimately responsible for developing their own individual characters. I gave them a skeleton, a structure, but they really fleshed them out.

 
Q. I do notice that you use close-ups of pearl necklaces, lipsticks, and the interior design. The mother, Annette, is really trying to fit into that specific class. Can you share more about the backstory you had in mind for her character? 


In the feature film, Annette and Mercedes meet at church. They’ve only just met, right before this party. So they don't know each other at all. Annette has recently moved to Wisconsin from New Jersey. And before that, she's from the Philippines. But this is all backstory that you don't need to know to understand the short film.

But if we're talking about my personal relationship to this character… I'm very sensitive to these class dynamics because my mother grew up very poor and even though she was able to work her way up the socio-economic ladder, I could always sense that she never really felt like she fit in; even though she eventually became a doctor, and went to school with a lot of students who were from extremely wealthy families, and was later included in that society, I could always sense that she never really felt like she belonged, like we belonged. And so, in a way, this is also part of Annette’s backstory.

I also based Annette’s character, in part, on my childhood nanny. I grew up with a nanny who also came from a poor family, and she became part of our family, and we would sometimes take her with us to social gatherings. And that was also very challenging for me as a child: to witness these class and status and power dynamics, when I didn’t even understand what I was witnessing. I remember being as young as seven and observing this, and feeling uncomfortable, but not understanding why I was so uncomfortable. It wasn't until later that I realized what was happening. 

Whereas Jasmine is 15—old enough to understand. Jasmine resents being forced to perform the role of a good daughter for her mother to impress these people, to help her mother improve her social status. And I think that's why she's so reluctant to participate. She also finds Mercedes and her friends phony, and doesn't trust them. That's what I wanted to depict as well: the child’s sensitivity to—and distrust of—adults who are preoccupied with flaunting their social status, their wealth, and their affluence.
 

Q. We see Annette is using Jasmine to kind of parade her around because Jasmine obviously can sing very well and speaks with a very American accent. But in the meantime, we also see Annette put Jasmine down in the conversations. Can you talk about that?

 

I think this character is extremely critical of herself and of her daughter, and I think she's put her own needs or desires over her daughter’s. She's prioritizing her own image and appearance over her daughter’s. She's more preoccupied with impressing Mercedes and Mercedes’ friends, even at the expense of Jasmine—she's ashamed of her daughter for not speaking the language, for not behaving more typically Filipino.

Growing up, I always felt my mother was expecting me to behave in a certain way that I didn't know how to behave—because I wasn't raised in the same culture she was. So there's this tension within a lot of Filipino families, and even within different immigrant families in the US. There's this expectation that the child is everything for the parents, and is responsible for honoring the family, demonstrating the family’s status and identity.

I don’t think Jasmine can relate. Not only because she doesn't want to be paraded around by her mother against her will, but she can’t relate to these people because she just can’t connect with them. They talk about her in front of her, as if she’s not there, as if she’s invisible. I found that to be very typical in my experience growing up: my mother and friends talking about me as if I were not in the room, objectifying me. As a child I found that to be disrespectful to me, but no one thinks about giving respect to the child. The focus is always on whether and how the child is giving respect to the elders.



Q: There was a scene where Jasmine was bitten by the dog, the timing is brilliantly chosen as well. Can you talk about that?
 

This turning point comes just when Annette is finally welcomed into Mercedes’ world, into this new “family.” Remember, at the beginning of the film, Annette warns Jasmine “you better behave.” And then of course, Jasmine provokes the dog and gets bitten and causes chaos and ruins everything. But at the very end of the film, we have a role reversal: Annette herself loses control and misbehaves. 

Annette blames her daughter, but it's Annette who pushed Jasmine to the dog, by treating her the way she's treated her. And so, in a way, Annette is ultimately responsible for her daughter's behavior. This climactic moment is a result of and a reaction against everything we've seen so far. It’s also a reaction to the very first 60 seconds of the film, the conversation they have in the car—this aggression and resentment that has been repressed throughout the party. In the end, we see that it's really Annette's reaction that Mercedes is unhappy with. It's not that Jasmine was bitten by the dog; it's how Annette treats Jasmine. That's what ruins it for Annette. It's Annette's own behavior, not Jasmine's.

I don't think Jasmine believes her mother when she says “don't touch the dog,” that it’s “dangerous.” I remember being told dogs were dangerous by my mom as a kid. She has a fear of dogs because, culturally, where she grew up, dogs were perceived as dangerous; whereas where I grew up, dogs were perceived as friendly. So that's yet another cultural conflict embedded in the film.



Q. Like how the dog as a notion is culturally very different for Annette and Jasmine, will you say that in the beginning, where they were arguing about putting on lipstick and locking the car, that also similarly comes from a place where, because Annette grows up in a different environment, where not locking the door would lead to consequences?


Yes, absolutely. I think her perspective is a very common immigrant perspective: the survivalist mentality, especially if one has come from more humble beginnings. There's this kind of scarcity mentality—a fear-based approach to the world—as opposed to being more trusting and open.
 
And telling her daughter to put on lipstick to look nice—I think that's also very culturally specific, because a woman has to look a certain way to be publicly presentable in traditional Filipino culture: wearing a dress, putting on lipstick, and looking like a traditional woman. There's a feminist critique there: Jasmine is rebelling against this, because she's grown up in an environment in which these are not the same values, in which a woman or girl can go out in public without makeup and in pants and still “look nice.” So that’s yet another cultural conflict between the mother and the daughter—their conflicting perceptions of femininity and respectability, as well as their conflicting perceptions of danger and safety.
 

Q: The film title is “Myself When I Am Real.” Can you elaborate on its meaning?


I was very interested in this contrast between private and public self-image. 

There are times even when Annette is in public, when all of the characters are together, when they're not aware they're being filmed. They might be aware that other people are watching them because of course, their eyes are open. But I think because of the nature of the camera—the intimacy and access of the home movie—there are moments in which they're not aware that they're being filmed, unaware that they're being observed and examined, and that's interesting to me too.

We see Annette being “real” only in private. We see this first at the beginning of the film, once in the middle, and again at the very end. In the beginning, no one is looking—which is why we can't see the image, we can only hear dialogue. Then in the middle, we see her in the bathroom, trying on Mercedes’ perfume and jewelry, and imagining that she could be Mercedes too.

And finally at the end, we see her real self revealed once more when she loses her temper with her daughter. She thinks she's in private and no one's watching, and that's when we expose the true nature and quality of their relationship—what it's like behind closed doors, when no one is looking. This is what the film is about.
 

Q. Can you tell us about the food in the film?

Depicting the cultural specificity of the Filipino American gathering was very important for me: whether details like particular dishes that are traditionally served at a party; or eating with the fork and spoon; or the fact that they're all dressed up in diamonds and pearls but still using paper towels as napkins and talking while chewing, unconcerned with table manners… All these specific little details helped me portray a certain kind of character I wanted to explore: the bourgeois midwestern Filipino immigrant. Some of these are hyperspecific details that maybe only Fil-Am kids will pick up on, but that's what it’s meant to communicate. I wanted to highlight the contrast between this performed elegance and opulence, and the realness of everyday life. I wanted to invite the audience to examine the cracks in this façade, to look behind-the-scenes, behind the performance. And the dinner sequence helped me to do this.
 

Q. During the making of this film, you get a chance to revisit your childhood, your upbringing. Do you start to see things differently? 

 

Yes, I found it to be a very therapeutic experience. I now understand why my mom is the way she is; I have more empathy for her, having written a character [Annette] that is, in part, based on her. I can now understand her thought process, and what led her to behave the way she would behave. And so I feel like I now have so much more empathy and understanding for her and her friends—the people I grew up around.

Whereas as a teenager, I maybe resented them; I now have empathy for Mercedes' character, and for all of the characters. I love them all. And I also now see Jasmine's character—who's somewhat based on the teenage me—as kind of a spoiled brat! Maybe not intentionally a brat, but she's just not culturally sensitive; she doesn't have the vocabulary, or the perspective, the maturity, to be able to navigate such a complex and sophisticated social environment. Because how could she? She’s a child.

 
Q. This film recreates a very specific cultural setting, how are the international audience taking it?


Based on the Q&A the other day, it seemed like the audience was still able to relate to the story because of the questions they were asking, and I could hear where there was laughter, or where there was some kind of vocal response—that not only were they following the story, but they were having a similar kind of universal reaction, even though it's maybe not their personal experience. 

But I've actually been told by other children of immigrants—and even non-immigrant Americans—that the family and class and intergenerational dynamics are relatable, regardless of the cultural specificity of the film. 

For example, people have come up to me after screenings and said, “I'm half Colombian half Nigerian, and this is exactly what it's like at my family gatherings,” or “I'm a Jewish New Yorker, and this is what it's like at Thanksgiving.” So I do think there is something universal about the relationship between parents and children, and these conflicting class dynamics. But the film is still very specific to an Asian cultural context: filial piety, honoring your parents, no disrespect, resigned obedience and habitual self-sacrifice.

I'm very happy to hear that it's relatable and that it resonates with a diversity of viewers, especially Asian and Filipino viewers. Growing up, I never felt like I really found a community. Because I'm multiracial, because I'm second generation, because I'm not fluent in the language, I never felt like I was Filipino enough… Yet I was never fully Americanized, being this “third culture,” not entirely fitting in one or the other… And so it's very meaningful to me that through this film, I've created something [a community] to which now I feel like I belong. 

I hope people resonate with it and I'm not alone in my experience, because I was very lonely for a very long time, and even second generation Filipino immigrant culture in the States can recreate this same socio-economic class dynamic—even my generation, children of the diaspora can recreate those same oppressive social hierarchies that seem antiquated and irrelevant. And this is why I said I can relate more to Annette’s character after having written this film, because I've also been in her position: the outsider looking in, even today, as a privileged, American-born-and-raised, code-switching millennial. You don’t have to be Filipino to relate to the characters, although maybe Filipinos and Asians can relate a little bit more.

I'm very happy that it's relatable, and that it's not uniquely my experience, but a universal experience. Because it feels good to share.